So it really came down to what are we AFRAID of?
I had another massage therapy/therapy appointment and that is what I figured out. We are both afraid and that is what is holding us back from letting go of control.
I am afraid of loving and losing the one I love. Choosing to be open to having another baby is choosing to love another person and with that comes the risk of losing them. I have struggled with this fear of loss since I was a child.
It took about 45 minutes for me to figure this out.
I was all worried about
- having time to have another baby
- being older and having a baby
- carting him around while carpooling the other boys everywhere
- not having time to do the things I still want to do
- making things work with DH and I while we coordinate the care of another baby.
All these details, but in reality it came down to the fear of loving and losing.
I went home that night and talked with DH and told him what I was really afraid of. He then told me what he was really afraid of, having an unhealthy baby. He has a sister with crebral palsy and she is pretty handicapped by it. So this has been his fear all along, with each boy. To have 3 healthy boys seems miraculous to him.
So we talked and shared and then we were both more open to really letting go of control. It was amazing how just sharing our fears made them smaller.
I think we are both quite a few steps closer to letting God decide what the right size of our family should be.