I posted on Monday about not “feeling another baby waiting“. I actually wrote that post a few months ago. My thoughts have changed over the last month or so.
I have some pregnant friends right now and when I found out the most recent one was pregnant it made me jealous. I told DH, “I think we should just do it, let’s stop with the condoms.” I am ready to just give up “control” and if it is meant to be it will be.
I do chart my cycles and we don’t always use condoms when I am not fertile, but I am ready to just stop using them all together.
Well, DH wasn’t so on board with that and I was confused because I didn’t “feel another baby waiting.”
Maybe not feeling a baby doesn’t matter!
Then a month ago in massage therapy/therapy Pam asked me if I wanted another baby. I realized yes I do WANT one, but don’t know if we are supposed to have one and that DH isn’t on board, etc. She suggested I really sit down and talk with him about it, let him know what I WANT and see what he WANTS.
It was so hard for me to let go of the not feeling something issue.
She reminded me this is a different experience, just because I felt the other boys waiting, doesn’t mean there isn’t a baby waiting. It just means it is a new baby and a new experience. Just like I tell my moms who have negative birth experiences and they are nervous with their upcoming births – “This is a new baby and a new birth!”
So when you strip away the craziness of it and the thinking about what having a baby means, quite simply I want one. That doesnt’ mean I will HAVE one, but at least I could talk with DH about it in a different way. I do really want another.
I was all excited and told my friend
“I want a baby!”
She laughed and said,
“We ALL know you want another baby!”
Hmm, interesting. The thing is since I don’t “feel” a baby waiting it seemed like a big leap to actually try to make one.
Maybe I don’t have to TRY
But that is why I don’t want to try, I just don’t want to prevent.
I would be perfectly happy if we don’t have another baby. It would be easier for sure.
But I would also be happy – though freaked out at first- if we got pregnant.
I just really think if it is supposed to happen it will, let’s just leave it open and see what God wants. We can afford another baby and we have a nice family for a baby to join, so why not? It feels really good to just leave it up to God, who knows what our family size is supposed to be.
I talked with DH
Well I did talk to DH about it, he agreed he is torn on the issue. He always seemed so closed off to the idea of another baby, so I was surprised. He sort of wants another baby too. (which I didn’t know!) He isn’t ready to do anything permanent to prevent a baby, but he is also selfish (his own words) and knows how much work a baby is and how it would change our family.
As well as all of this, I feel like because of our age it is a time sensitive issue. I am 41 and he is 44. I say let’s leave it up to God for a few months and see what happens. He still wasn’t ready to agree to that.
We had this conversation before General Conference and agreed to listen with the intent of trying to find an answer. I’ll tell you what we came up with tomorrow.