We fasted on the 15th of April and I will admit it was a long day.  I am not the best faster as I get low blood sugar, so usually I only skip one meal.  But this day I had choir practice and came straight home and then took T1 straight out to collect fast offerings.  We were not home until 4:30 and I was hungry and grumpy.

Honestly I partly thought this as we were doing the route-

If we have no more babies, in 13 years I can take a nap on Sunday.

If we have another baby, in 13 years I will be out driving fast offerings with my 12 year old son.

But I had plenty of time to breathe and contemplate at each house we stopped at for fast offerings and I knew my answer.  I was excited to see what DH had felt.  We prayed to close our fast and he said, “I didn’t really get anything.  I didn’t have much time.”  I wondered what he had been doing while we were driving around?  How come it seems like Sundays are often too busy to feel the Spirit sometimes?

I was frustrated that this responsibility always seems to rest on my shoulders.

But later that night I told him

I have received on quite a few occasions the strong impression that we need to “give up control” and put this choice in God’s hands.  That this is an act of faith that we should do.

BUT, I need your full support.  If you don’t want to stop using birth control I am not going to force the issue.  I want you fully on board. If I felt another baby waiting, then I would be more forceful on the issue.  But I think that in most cases you need God, Mom and Dad on board for choosing to have a baby.

Then I found what I wrote when I fasted in September of 2011 on this same topic –

Maybe it isn’t about getting an answer and making it happen or making it NOT happen.

Maybe it is about letting go of control and turning it over to God.  No drama.

Were WE ever really supposed to have control over our fertility?

I don’t feel like we should try to have another baby.  I don’t feel like there is a baby “waiting”.  Maybe there are things I need to do now and grow in a way that doesn’t include a baby.  I am fine with that – making a choie to avoud – be active in that.

If it happens, as a “surprise” I am fine with that – open to that.  I would really be surprised because I don’t feel there is a baby waiting. It can be that simple.

But as I prayed this morning I felt that I should GIVE UP CONTROL.

What does that mean?  Trust we aren’t supposed to have another baby and not use birth control?  I felt that may be it – Really give it up to God

That seems really scary – I like the false sense of control birth controld give me.

Giving up control -vs- DOING

Maybe I am so busy trying to DO that the Lord is limited by that?

MaybeI could DO more good if I let go of some control?

Choosing to give up control

maybe this is not my choice

But can I receive inspiration and ACT on it?

If I felt yes have a baby, I would TRY to.

If I felt no I would TRY not to.

Is that wrong?

If I really trusted the answer I would let go of control.

At the end of the day we were stuck in the same place, me ready to let go of control though fearfully and DH not wanting to let go of control.

I think part of it is I read the posts on this and other blogs and read of the faith these women have in moving forward to increase their families.  I see my friends moving forward with the same faith and it is inspiring.  DH doesn’t see that, he hears it from me, but that isn’t quite the same.  Also working on birthing this book that is almost in your hands has inspired me as well.  If it were not for these women I work with I don’t know if I would have even thought to go here.

 

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4 Comments

  1. Wow, what a journey you have been on. And maybe this has been more about the journey than the destination. This line stuck out to me, “Were WE ever really supposed to have control over our fertility?” I love your faith Sheridan.

  2. Okay, I take a very different approach to some of your questions. There’s no such thing as “letting God decide” by going off birth control. Because every time you choose to have sex without using some kind of birth control (from the pill to fertility awareness to IUDs), you are actively choosing to become pregnant. Even if you’re not *trying* by charting your cycle, you’re still choosing to (possibly) have a baby because you’re choosing to have unprotected sex. This isn’t meant to sound snarky or rude, just that you’re still exercising control and agency by choosing not to use birth control. It’s as much a choice, as much (or as little) about control, as is any other fertility-related choice.

    • enjoybirth Reply

      It is true that by not using birth control I am choosing to possibly become pregnant if that is what is meant to be. By choosing to use birth control I am trying to BE in control by choosing to try not to be pregnant. But we all know birth control doesn’t always work, so it is a false sense of control.

      What I am trying to do is GIVE UP control. By being open to whatever God wants our family to look like. We are capable of having another baby financially, emotionally, etc. If I was trying to get pregnant, I would be actively having sex when I know I am ovulating, like I did specifically with my first 2 boys. I was TRYING.

      Whereas with my 3rd we knew we were supposed to have another baby and just stopped using birth control. We were going to TRY in the next month, but then I got pregnant and we didn’t “need” to.

  3. I have the same battles in my head frequently… I have no answers myself yet!

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