I became a Mother when…

I wrote down these thoughts when Devon turned 10. Back then, he was still a child. He was growing up so fast, but he was definitely still a child in the way he acted. He is 16 now. Boy, has he grown up. He has his typical teenager moments for sure, but he has turned into such a nice young man. When I think back to when I wrote this and he was just 10, it seems so crazy that I am now looking into moped insurance for 16 year olds so he can get on the road. I can’t believe 6 years has passed so fast.

The day Devon was born.

The scariest day of my life…. and the happiest day of my life. A day that changed my life forever.

I became a mother that day, but in reality I became a mother months before when I conceived my first baby, Devon. I guess I really became a mother when we consciously started trying to conceive him.

I became a mother when I first felt him move within my womb. How I loved feeling his little movements, getting to know him as he grew within me. I knew he was a boy before an ultrasound confirmed it.

I became a mother when I had preterm labor and was on strict bed rest starting at 25 weeks.

I became a mother when I had to fight for what I felt was right and important when my first OB wasn’t listening to my concerns I went through the challenge of changing care providers. Why that has to be so hard remains a mystery, yet was worth every effort it took.

I became a mother when I made numerous trips to the hospital, received many shots, took many pills…. to keep him inside me as long as possible.

I became a mother when I woke up one morning at 34 weeks and noticed he wasn’t moving. I was very aware of him, because on bed rest what else did I have to do, but think about and notice him.

I became a mother when I suddenly in my deepest part of my heart, KNEW something was wrong with my baby. I became a mother when I thought I had already lost this sweet baby I hadn’t even yet met.

I became a mother when I went to get checked, they found his heartbeat and I was flooded with relief. My baby was still alive. All was well.

I became a mother when I learned all was not well, my baby was under stress and needed to be born right away.

I became a mother when I willingly offered up my body to be cut into so his life could be saved.

I became a mother when minutes later Devon was lifted from my womb.

I became a mother when I heard his small cry, at first I thought there was a cat in the operating room, he sounded like a kitten.

I became a mother when I held him for a minute before he went to the NICU with his Dad.

I became a mother when I missed him and felt SO empty without him in me as I was separated from him for almost 24 hours. Precious time when he was in a plastic box and I was alone in a room without my baby. The emptiness was unbearable.

I became a mother when I painfully made my way down to the NICU, scrubbed my hands, put on a gown and finally held him in my arms, gazing in his eyes and seeing my sweet son.

I first felt like a mother, when my friends came to visit. In the room without him I felt as I always had. But when I went to the NICU, held him in my arms and my friends saw me and him through the window… then I FELT like a mother. The joy of sharing the miracle we had created.

I became a mother when I had to leave the hospital empty handed, to return many times to visit, while I was still healing.

I became a mother when I nursed him for the first time 10 days after his birth. A moment I will never forget.

I became a mother when I finally brought him home, he rarely left my arms for months. Sleeping on top of me each night, nursing every 2 hours, growing right before my eyes.

I have had SO many experiences that continue to help me become a mother. I thank Devon for being my first born. I thank him for laying so still so I would know there was a problem. Also I thank him for being born the way he was. It was not what I had hoped for or was working towards (I wanted a Natural Bradley Birth) but it started me on a path of learning more about birth and has led me to where I am today.

I believe that most pregnancies and births are normal and safe! I am so glad I was able to go on to have 2 healing pregnancies and vaginal births. I believe that we need to trust our bodies and babies. If we listen to them we can know what we most need.

I am so glad I listened that morning when he wasn’t moving, that I followed my intuition and went to get checked.

Mothers’ intuitions are powerful, trust yours!!

When do you feel you became a Mother?

To learn more about cesareans, whether to avoid one, to heal from one, get support… whatever you need. Visit ICAN, International Cesarean Awareness Network.