Memories from my journal 15 years ago – looking back on my first birth

Here are some memories from my journal the year after Devon was born via emergency cesarean for fetal distress.  The wound was still so fresh, the fear so apparent.  It is interesting to me I knew that he had some challenges, but didn’t really know what to do or think about it.  I had talked to the pediatrician at 9 months who completely dismissed my worries.  I switched to a new pediatrician when he was 1 and we got moving on therapy for him, which really helped him get caught up.

I can hardly believe that Devon was born almost a year ago. 

The time has really flown by. 

When I remember his birth, I have such a mixture of emotions.  

  • Disappointment, that I missed out on a normal  pregnancy, that I didn’t even come close to a natural birth.  
  • Fear, that I almost lost him before I even had  him, that he came early and I am still not sure that he is “ok”.  
  • Disbelief, that after so long on bed rest, he came early anyway.  
  • Peace, knowing I did all that I could to give him the best start I could provide.  
  • Joy, that I have such a beautiful baby boy.  

I have been watching the Baby Show the past little while and I cry at each show.  Births are such different events for each baby that comes into this world.  I love Devon‘s birth, for it was his.  I pray my next pregnancy and birth are very different.  I pray that I never have another preemie, that I never have to leave the hospital with empty arms.  At the same time I am filled with such gratitude, because I did have a baby to bring home a few days later. 

Being a mother is such an emotional experience.  It is the most emotional thing I have ever done.  The emotions range from utter bliss to dismay.  I have felt so much joy watching him grow and learn things.  He really is a bright light in our home.  I feel my heart ache when he is sick and I can’t comfort him.  I worry that he isn’t growing as well as he should be.  Would I worry this way if he wasn’t early?  Why doesn’t he play patty cake?  Because I have neglected to start teaching him earlier, or is it something bigger?  Rob questions, is he growing all right?  I assure him all is well, but it just fuels the uncertainty inside of me.  Have I forgotten so much about babies, that I don’t know how to entertain and teach him, how could I, the baby crazy girl, not remember these things?   

But his birth:  we will be celebrating in a few short days.  It was a pretty fuzzy experience.  I remember wondering why he wasn’t crying, than hearing a mewing sound.  I thought, he sounds just like a kitten. Now he is more like a tiger.  Nipping at my shoulder and roaring if I take the keys from him to unlock the door.  But he is my baby.  He always will be, even when he is a dad himself.  

His First Birthday

Devon is 1 year old!!! I can hardly believe that Devon was born a year ago.  I read my journal from the day and I feel happy and sad all at the same time.  Most of the sadness comes from the stressful way he came into the world and the stress of him staying in the NICU.  A year has past and the scary feelings still somewhat remain.  Also the questions of if he is really ok, that there are no lingering effects from his early birth.  

BUT, it also was a wonderful day, because it was the day Devon left my womb and entered my arms.

I remember when Devon was 2 days old and our friends came to the hospital to visit.  It was weird when we were in my hospital room because there was no baby there, so it was like old times, like nothing had changed. When they were ready to leave we all headed down to the NICU.  They waited outside the little window, while DH and I scrubbed up.  I got Devon and DH wheeled us in front of the window.  

The nurse opened the curtain and there were our friends looking at my little FAMILY, my little boy and I suddenly felt like a MOTHER.  It was a magical feeling.  They were looking at MY baby and they were all saying how cute he was and that he had DH’s nose (I could tell about the nose part from them pointing at their noses and pointing to DH) I felt so proud I almost cried.

I feel just as proud today.  I have a wonderful little boy and I love him so much.  I just want the world to know how lucky I am!!!  Happy first birthday Devon, I love you so very much. 

I am so sad

my heart aches

this day brings back memories

I don’t want to face 

A year has passed, but the awful fear remains.  

It can flood over me, like I was back there.

How can they take him now, when I have laid in bed so long so he won’t come early?  

But there was the underlying peace, I had made it to 34 weeks, the Lord had somehow let me know that 34 weeks would be ok. I had in many ways been planning his birth for that day. Of course I am glad that today is his birthday, if it wasn’t he might not be here today at all.  But that is also part of the fear of that day. 

A year ago in 30 minutes I knew something was wrong.  I really truly thought I had already lost my baby.  That unspeakable fear was so huge, that it lingers over me.  That feeling that if I was to lose Devon, I would no longer need to live.  I honestly think I would lie down and die.  I would have no life left in me.  I would have no reason to live.  That is the scariest feeling to me, that my purpose for living is him.  Which is fine if he is here, but…. I got a glimpse of what it would be like to not have him that morning. 

Will next year bring such mixed feelings?  I just want this day to be a happy one.  I imagine it will once Devon is awake and we are up and about, but right now, I just want to cry.