I am so glad your mother gave you the gift of life. I am so glad you exist. And every day that you choose to keep going is a gift to humanity and yourself.
All of the talk was beautiful, but do you know what my absolute favorite part was? My favorite phrase Elder Holland uttered today was this: “laboring through the battered landscape of his despair.” As Elder Holland spoke of a mother striving to bear up her son as he traveled through the darkest days and nights of his intense anguish… I can’t even really describe to you what I felt inside.
I’m writing a new book! Towers of Strength: Stories of Triumph over Darkness will be a collection of thoughts and stories about mental illness from the perspective of Latter-day Saints. please spread the word on whatever groups, forums, and facebook pages you feel might generate interest. The deadline for story submissions is March 1st.
Looking back, I can recognize pivotal times of transition throughout my life when I moved from a lower to a higher plane. Sometimes the process was relatively painless, but other times it was steep and intense. The end result was always the same, however: joy. Every time we are born again, our capacity for joy is heightened.
For now, a pill is what is making my brain and body bearable for my spirit. For now, the healing power of God has not removed my body’s weaknesses but enabled me to thrive in spite of them. It is not the healing I wanted or expected, but it is a healing of sorts.
Sometimes, playing my little “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” feels like the hardest thing in the world. And the Master’s request, “Don’t quit. Keep playing,” feels like the tallest order ever given. Endure to the end? Really? I so often respond, as Moses did, “It is too heavy for me,” and in my darkest moments, “Kill me, I pray thee.” But grace. Grace.
In a priesthood blessing, God answered my question: “You will be able to be happy without medication.” He didn’t tell me how long it would take, but I was satisfied with just knowing that someday I’d get there. And so I went on, taking my medication, feeling grateful for my rescue from the darkness.