The Christmas Letter

A little over three years ago I felt inspired to write something for the Ensign. I was very nervous about it but excited too when I sent it in. I was told it may never print but that they wanted to use it. They just didn’t know when so when one of the editors contacted me a few months ago I had almost forgotten about it. And I will admit it was a bit strange for me to read the edited version at first. They did a fantastic job editing but the story felt strange to me without all of its pieces. I do understand how editing goes. I did edit a number of birth stories for the book so I naturally know how the person editing agonizes over what to cut and what to keep. Anyway, you can read the Ensign version here. I have posted my original entry below. May you be surrounded by the Love of Christ this season. Blessings, Robyn

The Christmas Letter

By Robyn Allgood

Christmas 2006 was to be our first Christmas without our son, Kyle. Not only was it our first Christmas without him but his birthday preceded Christmas by five days. He would have been 3 years old. Three months had passed since he died and we had started to try to get our lives back to a new normal. I was determined not to allow Christmas or his birthday to be sad but I still found it a little harder to enjoy all of the usual preparations for Christmas. Even shopping for presents reminded me I would not need any little boy gifts. I longed to buy a little train or car for my son. Unfortunately I had found myself overwhelmed with the “busy”ness of the season instead of feeling the spirit of Christmas. I longed to put Christ back into Christmas. Every year since my oldest daughter, Maryn, was born we had sent out a Christmas letter to friends and family. I wasn’t sure what to write this year. The thought of doing it overwhelmed me. On the morning of December 22, it came to me and I couldn’t leave the computer until it was written. I cried and cried as I wrote it. This is the letter I finally sent:

December 22, 2006

Dear Family and Friends,

I just wanted to send a little Christmas letter via email this year in hopes it reaches you happy and healthy. Many loved ones have asked how we are doing and I want everyone to know we are good. We are blessed. For those who may not have heard our little 2 ½ year old Kyle passed away on September 20, 2006, due to complications from e-coli contamination. We celebrated his 3^rd Birthday on December 20. It was a wonderful day filled with a variety of emotions.

On December 16 one of my friends called to tell me her little 6 week old baby had passed away from SIDS. My heart sunk as I told her I would soon be there at the hospital with her. I didn’t want anyone else to have to experience that kind of pain. But I drove to the hospital with a prayer in my heart that I might say and do the things this family needed at the time.

The funeral for her little Naomi was set for December 20. It was a beautiful service and I was honored to have been asked to attend their funeral and read a letter and poem. I allowed myself to grieve for Kyle again that day and for little Naomi and her family. It was part of what I needed to do but may have pushed away if I had not attended the funeral. I had been determined to not allow Kyle’s 3^rd Birthday to be a sad day for me. So there was sadness and grief but there was joy and peace too. Many close friends and family called, sent flowers or gifts (a beautiful book of memories was presented to us by friends), and we hosted a small Curious George party. My oldest daughter, Maryn, was excited to decorate in red and yellow. We released 3 balloons for Kyle’s 3 years. We even sang to him and my mother whose birthday was the day before.

Prior to Naomi’s passing I had been praying to know who I could help or serve so that I might feel closer to Christ this Christmas. I thought maybe someone might need presents or something like that. I wondered if I would find that family or person who needed us. But Naomi’s family needed comfort and peace and I am honored they asked for what little I could offer.

I spent time pondering today in the early morning hours as I woke to care for my baby, Megan, who was sick, while Jeff cared for Maryn who was also sick. Before I had gone to bed I had written in my journal an experience I had with Kyle this past summer. I was so pleased that it had come back to me in clarity and that I could write it down so that it would not be forgotten. I wrote that I didn’t regret having to take swimming lessons with Kyle when he was too scared to go by himself. At the time I was a little put out by it because I would have to get a babysitter for Megan everyday for the two weeks. However, I was soon grateful that I got to be the one who taught him to blow bubbles, dip his head under the water, kick his legs, and jump from the side of the pool so I could catch him in my arms. So my mind was turned to the many things I was grateful for and what things I did not regret doing. I wanted to share some of the things that came to my mind.

I am grateful that I could read piles and piles of books with Kyle while he sat in my lap so contentedly.

I am glad we went on many walks around our neighborhood.

I am grateful we spent hours playing in the park.

I am grateful that I let him play with his little buddies (even if it meant they would both be covered with sand in a matter of minutes).

I am grateful that I could teach him to pray (even if he hadn’t yet mastered sitting still).

I am grateful that we could pray as a family each morning and night.

I am grateful that we read the scriptures every day as a family even if it was hard to fully capture their attention every time.

I will never regret having family home evening on Monday nights.

I do not regret taking him to Church every Sunday even if the report back from Nursery wasn’t always a positive one. (He was known to tackle the other children, but he was also known to be the most enthusiastic singer!)

I feel fortunate that I could study the scriptures in the quiet hours before my children woke up or when they napped during the middle of the day because I felt armed with the spirit when I did.

I do not regret taking him camping even though it meant a lot of extra planning to go with a baby, 2 year old and 5 year old.

I am so glad we took lots of pictures and video to capture his joyful ways.

I am grateful that I could play hide and seek and hear him squeal when he was discovered.

I do not regret cleaning up his toys, wiping his nose, or cleaning up when he didn’t make it to the potty.

I am thankful for his adventurous ways because they kept me on my toes.

I do not regret staying home to be his mom.

I do not regret staying up all night with him while he was sick.

I do not regret any of the time I spent with him.

I am grateful that he shared his testimony. His first and last trip to the pulpit was his last fast Sunday before he died.

And I am thankful I could teach him about Jesus Christ and his Heavenly Father for I know he is with them now.

There are many more things I am grateful for but I have to finish this letter. How grateful I am for a loving and kind Father in Heaven who is so mindful of us and willing to let us learn from our weaknesses and trials. How grateful I am for the Plan of Salvation, for the babe Jesus born in a humble stable who would bring to the world the most important gift of forgiveness through his Atonement for our sins. I am grateful for this comfort and peace. “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid” John 14:27. May that peace be with you and your loved ones this Christmas.

Love,

Robyn Allgood and Family

Jeff, Robyn, Maryn, Kyle, and Megan

The day after I sent this letter out, there was a knock at our door. Our yard was filled with neighbors, friends and ward members singing “Silent Night.” The last song they sang to us was “Families Can Be Together Forever.” As I listened, tears of joy and gratitude streamed down my face for the power of God’s Plan to bind on earth and in heaven our families together for eternity. Christmas came early in 2006. It had appeared in many quiet, beautiful, spirit-filled moments and for them I am eternally grateful.

On February 14, 2008, little David Kyle Allgood was born into his father’s loving arms just as his older brother, Kyle, was. It may have been Valentine’s Day but it sure felt like Christmas Day to us. Since the day I wrote my Christmas Letter in 2006, I have learned that Christmas really can come many times a year, you just have to let it in.