The following are excerpts from my journal Monday-Wednesday – warning loss mentioned. 

Rob didn’t want to tell anyone I was pregnant, but I knew I had to tell Angela and Valerie.  They were the ones that inspired me to do this.

I was planning on telling them Wednesday night, as we had a girls night planned, but then we invited some other girls too and I knew that I had to tell them a different time.

Monday

I stopped by Angela’s to talk.  She is 36 weeks pregnant and it was fun to see all her baby stuff out and then to tell her.  She was more excited than I have been.  :0)  That cheered me up a bit.  I was going to talk to Valerie too, but I was still feeling sick and the day got away from me.

Tuesday

I woke up at 4, my throat still hurting and my stomach bothering me.

I couldn’t fall back asleep, thinking of all the details.

• Cloth vs disposable

• hospital vs home
• carpooling all the big kids everywhere with a baby!
• and so much more

I got up to browse the internet and get excited.  So I did a due date calendar and April 18^th is the guess date, so I knew by our 18^th anniversary we will be hanging out with our new baby.  I watched a little video of what the baby’s development is.  It helped me feel excited.

Spotting

Then I went to the bathroom and noticed I was having some bleeding.  Not much, but bright red.

I feel sad, unsure, what does this mean?

I would maybe feel a bit relieved if I miscarried.  All the details wouldn’t matter.  I could just go on with my normal very busy life.

But I feel sad too, I do love babies and it would be so amazing to have another child in our home.

I guess I am just unsure about if this pregnancy is going to stick.  If it doesn’t what will I do?  Still not use birth control until my birthday?  Or would I chicken out and just be “done.”?

I actually prayed this morning after I noticed the bleeding and told God,

I don’t know if I would choose to do this again, so if we are meant to have another baby in our family, make this one stick!

A little bit of brown spotting through the day, letting go of the fear.

I found this quote and it comforted my heart.  “Remove any of your fear with faith. Trust the power of God to guide you.”   Ballard – that the lost may be found.

I told Valerie today and she was excited for me.

Talking helps me process my feelings and be more at peace with the changes a baby will bring.

Wednesday

I woke up at 5:30 and couldn’t fall back asleep.  Got up, meditated and prayed.  More bright blood in morning.   Then a little spotting throughout day.  I guess I could call my OB and go get ultrasound or blood tests, but I know that there is nothing I can “do” so I am going to wait it out.

I had a little energy this morning, so I actually unpacked from the trip and put away clean laundry.   This cold has really wiped me out, probably because I am pregnant too.  I also am limited on what I can take for comfort and healing.

Went  to Pam’s – my massage therapist/therapist.  She was SO excited to hear I was pregnant.  A little concerned with spotting.  She did some cranial sacral things and energy work and we talked.   Change in life is inevitable.  I can handle it, I know how to do babies and do them well.  It is all the other things that will still need to be done that seems overwhelming (carpool to charter school – 30 min each way, other big boy activities, cooking, cleaning) but I now have big boys that are actually really helpful.  I just need to ASK, use my voice and ask for help!

I actually did that last night, the missionaries came to dinner.  I had saved up my energy throughout the day knowing I would need it.  I had T1 grill, T2 pick up downstairs, T1 swept, T3 set table.  So I can ask for help.  I don’t have to do it all alone (my pattern and how I often feel – but I have the power to ASK)

I actually love being pregnant and having a new baby

• It is a time in my life when I allow myself more freedom.
• I don’t feel driven to do it all.
• I feel like I have a good “excuse” to take it easy and let some things go and ask for help.

So that really helped me shift and by the end of the session I was really welcoming this baby and wanting him/her to stick.  (She also helped with my throat and ears some, she thinks it is a sinus infection, not a cold)

I tried to rest through the rest of the day.  Again some spotting.

Celebration Wednesday Night

I went out to celebrate Angela’s Birthday with a small group of girls.  By then I was TIRED and my throat and ears were bugging me again.  Uggh.  But it was fun despite that.  I almost slipped up 2 times and told the other girls I was pregnant.

One friend crochets cute baby hats and I asked if she had ever made a boobie hat and that I wanted one.  She wondered what I would do with a boobie hat!  Then later I almost said something.  The whole table stopped, looked at me and I back tracked.

I did tell Wendy after the other girls left.  She has been in on the whole not using birth control thing and I will probably be at her birth in the next few days and if she wants to know why I am not 100%, now she does.