Fasting to Know What to Do

Honestly I partly thought this as we were doing the route-

If we have no more babies, in 13 years I can take a nap on Sunday.

If we have another baby, in 13 years I will be out driving fast offerings with my 12 year old son.

But I had plenty of time to breathe and contemplate at each house we stopped at for fast offerings and I knew my answer.  I was excited to see what DH had felt.  We prayed to close our fast and he said, “I didn’t really get anything.  I didn’t have much time.”  I wondered what he had been doing while we were driving around?  How come it seems like Sundays are often too busy to feel the Spirit sometimes?

I was frustrated that this responsibility always seems to rest on my shoulders.

But later that night I told him

I have received on quite a few occasions the strong impression that we need to “give up control” and put this choice in God’s hands.  That this is an act of faith that we should do.

BUT, I need your full support.  If you don’t want to stop using birth control I am not going to force the issue.  I want you fully on board. If I felt another baby waiting, then I would be more forceful on the issue.  But I think that in most cases you need God, Mom and Dad on board for choosing to have a baby.

Then I found what I wrote when I fasted in September of 2011 on this same topic –

Maybe it isn’t about getting an answer and making it happen or making it NOT happen.

Maybe it is about letting go of control and turning it over to God.  No drama.

Were WE ever really supposed to have control over our fertility?

I don’t feel like we should try to have another baby.  I don’t feel like there is a baby “waiting”.  Maybe there are things I need to do now and grow in a way that doesn’t include a baby.  I am fine with that – making a choie to avoud – be active in that.

If it happens, as a “surprise” I am fine with that – open to that.  I would really be surprised because I don’t feel there is a baby waiting. It can be that simple.

But as I prayed this morning I felt that I should GIVE UP CONTROL.

What does that mean?  Trust we aren’t supposed to have another baby and not use birth control?  I felt that may be it – Really give it up to God

That seems really scary – I like the false sense of control birth controld give me.

Giving up control -vs- DOING

Maybe I am so busy trying to DO that the Lord is limited by that?

MaybeI could DO more good if I let go of some control?

Choosing to give up control

maybe this is not my choice

But can I receive inspiration and ACT on it?

If I felt yes have a baby, I would TRY to.

If I felt no I would TRY not to.

Is that wrong?

If I really trusted the answer I would let go of control.

At the end of the day we were stuck in the same place, me ready to let go of control though fearfully and DH not wanting to let go of control.

I think part of it is I read the posts on this and other blogs and read of the faith these women have in moving forward to increase their families.  I see my friends moving forward with the same faith and it is inspiring.  DH doesn’t see that, he hears it from me, but that isn’t quite the same.  Also working on birthing this book that is almost in your hands has inspired me as well.  If it were not for these women I work with I don’t know if I would have even thought to go here.