The following are excerpts from my journal Thursday-Friday – warning loss mentioned.

Thursday – Attend and amazing birth

Up at 5:45.  I am going to the Rikki Lake show with Angela today.  I woke up to some bright blood.  Hopefully it will slow to spotting again.  Today is packed, but maybe tomorrow I will call someone and do some blood testing.  I keep hoping the bleeding will disappear.

We never made it to Ricki Lake because Wendy had her baby.  It was an incredible birth.   Angela and I got there about 5 minutes before the baby was born, more than an hour before the midwife got there.  I’ll be posting about that on my Enjoy Birth Blog next month.

Now there is cramping

By the end of the day I was bleeding more and starting to cramp.  I know that isn’t a good sign.  I can tell that I am miscarrying.  I am only 6 weeks, I do some research on the internet about miscarrying on your own.  I don’t think I need to go to the doctor at all.

I asked Rob for help dealing with the boys, but he was busy working and blew me off.  “I have to get this done tonight or people won’t get paid.”    So I grumpily dealt with the boys.  It made me wonder why I even wanted to have another baby, because that just reinforced I have to do everything myself.   I know that isn’t TRUE, but it feels that way.  I did have T2 do a lot (T1 was at a friends) and he was helpful, though grumpy about it.  Matching my mood I am sure.

Finally at 10, I “TALKED” to Rob and told him that I was bleeding and cramping and I had asked him for help and he let me down.  He made excuses and rambled on and I told him to stop talking, that wasn’t helpful at all.  This was about ME!  He asked what I wanted and I said, “To go upstairs and cry and have you hold me.”

So he did and we had a good talk.  I had been thinking he wasn’t excited about the baby, but he was, just not really thinking about it yet.  I asked about would we try again, he said “Let’s get through this first and see what it really is.”    It was helpful to talk and I fell asleep around 11:30.

Friday – need a break from the boys

I finally slept in til 7:30!  That felt good.  I was bleeding pretty good and still cramping.    I don’t need to go to the Doctor to know what is happening.  My body knows just what to do.  For whatever reason this baby wasn’t sticky.

I know I want T3 to be somewhere else for the day.  I have little patience for the boys right now.  The big ones can entertain themselves, but T3 still demands quite a bit of attention.  I call my friend Kasey and ask if she can take him.  She asks what is up and I say I will tell her later.  She says she will pick him up in awhile.

I tell Rob I was thinking of telling the boys what was happening.  He says,

“shouldn’t we wait til we are sure?”

I AM sure I tell him.  The cramping and bleeding are not questionable anymore.

I am sitting on the glider where I have nursed all my babies,  praying and T3 comes in and says,

“Are you praying for a baby?”

This takes me off guard, and I tell him.  I am sad and praying for comfort because I had a baby growing in my tummy, but not anymore.

Did he die?

He just couldn’t keep growing.  I showed him how tiny the baby was.

I was going to have a baby brother or sister!  We can just pray for another one.  Then he got on his knees and prayed.  He asked if I prayed too.

Not sure if I will keep trying

I was suddenly not sure I should have told him, because I wasn’t sure if I am going to keep trying.

I feel totally fulfilled with my 3 boys.

I had a glimpse of 4…  it looked lovely, but I had prayed, if this is meant to be, let this baby stick.  So maybe it isn’t meant to be.

I figure I need to not worry about that TODAY, rather just be sad and let my body rest and do what needs to happen.

Kasey came to get T3 and had some flowers for me.  She didn’t even know what was going on, just that I was having a hard day.  I started crying and said “Thanks, I am having a miscarriage.”  She started crying and gave me a big hug.  That was SO sweet!  It was just what I needed.

I told T1 and T2, they were not really phased by it at all.

Lots of Crying

I rested in my room and called Angela and Valerie to tell them.  We cried together.

I called Felice and she did some energy work for me.

I talked to my Mom, we cried.  Lots of crying and talking and working it out with everyone.   I was surprised how my mom was so OK with me having another.  She said, “If it is meant to be, it will be.”  She commented on how my belief system must be comforting.  (She is not LDS) We talked about when I thought a baby’s spirit would be in their body.  I said I wasn’t sure.  I thought about the essay in our book about the hour glasses.  I need to read our book and those stories.  I think I skipped most of them as we were preparing the book.

Now it is about Rob and I and what we want our family to be.  We have never felt we were supposed to have another baby, just felt like it was our choice.  Then when I was pregnant I was scared about the changes, about the energy it would take and frankly I do carry the brunt of it.  Rob just works harder at work and I feel alone.  So to have another baby would be a challenge.  We could do it and would have made it work.  But I don’t  know if I could choose it again.   I need to stop worrying about this TODAY.  I will pick a date next week to think/pray about it.

I talked to Jenny and told her.  She was funny about it.  She said sorry and then brought up their beach camping and her sis who has an 8 month old and how she was happy she was done that stage.  We had a good talk actually.  But I wonder if I had been in a different place how that would have felt.

Let go of expectation

Right this minute at 6:38 on Friday night I feel crampy and nauseous, sad but a little bit of resolution kind of feeling.  I still pretty much want to hide in my room.  However Valerie texted to say she is going to stop by.  I am happy to see her.

I think having Wendy’s birth yesterday was so good.  To see that was wonderful, it made me appreciate the miracle of giving life.  I know I have done my part in trying to help this little body be able to grow and stick so I could give that gift of life again.  I didn’t take Sudafed or advil while I was so stinkin sick.  I worked at opening my spirit and heart so they were open to it.  I did all I could do, I am at peace with that.

– increase the love in our family by having a baby – an outcome instead focus on increasing the love in our family – right now as we are!

I can accept this miscarriage.  It is part of my womanhood.  It is part of my Giving the Gift of Life, it is sadly a part of many woman’s journey of motherhood.

Be open, empty, non-judgemental, this loss is not good or bad, just it is.  It is OK for me to be sad, but I can be open and accepting of it.

Letting go of control

This is the hardest part.  This is honestly one of the hardest parts about pregnancy and of course parenting.  The loss of control.

Being pregnant you feel like you lose control of your body, it is taken over by some foreign object and it is powerful.  I lose control.

Then there are things like spotting and I can’t stop it.  I am not in control.

Parenting – no control there.  There are ways to help have order, etc.  But in the end there is free agency and I can’t control my kids only myself.

It is a sacrifice I am making, regardless of the “outcome”  it is part of my journey.

Would this miscarriage be considered a birth in this scenario?  I am birthing what was the beginning of life.  It just didn’t have the chance to grow.