I write this with a heavy but lightened heart.
My miscarriage shifted something within my heart.
For YEARS I have struggled with if we were done having babies. I felt resigned to being done because my husband seemed pretty adament against having more. But in my heart I wondered. I never felt “done” like so many of my friends did. So I just kept myself open to the idea.
I figured if it was meant to be it would happen. Surprises happen sometimes.
Then with a little more active communication about the topic with my husband we got on the same page and started not preventing – I guess you could say trying…
Here are a list of blog posts of my journey to us “trying”
- I don’t feel another baby waiting
- But, I want another baby
- Inspiration from General Conference
- Fasting for an answer – feeling I should give up “control”
- Admitting our fears to each other helps us move forward
- Opening myself up spiritually to another baby
- Condom Fairy Visits – at least til my birthday
- Calling = no baby?
Then we got pregnant and had an early miscarriage
- Surprise I got Pregnant
- Adjusting to the idea but worried too
- Definitely a Miscarriage
- Grateful for Miscarriage Stories in our book
We have prayed
Rob and I have prayed and we have gotten the confirmation that we are done.
I guess if we really wanted to have another baby we could try again.
But we both finally feel “done”, we had never felt that before. It was always this vague uncertainty before. Now we have confirmation. We can be done and we are both good with that.
Since then I have gone through a variety of emotions.
Sadness and Grief- I was sad to lose this little potential spirit.
Relief - It was surprising to actually get pregnant and then remember the reality of what that implied. I didn’t have enough time to adjust to the new reality of a baby, before I realized I was miscarrying. So I felt relief. I think had I had more time to adjust to the idea of another baby I would have not felt so overwhelmed by it.
Anger – I had already made the choice to “try” and shown faith, now I had to make another choice, would we keep trying? I was mad I had to choose again. I was also mad that we lost the baby. At myself for not talking to Rob years earlier. If we were younger we may have decided to keep trying.
Joy – for the 3 wonderful kids I do have here on this earth
Confused – Why do some people in a similar situation get a different answer??? I love the story I shared Wednesday. They now have 5 kids and I still have 3.
Peace – All will be well. God knows us individually and I got a different answer, because I am a different person.
Gratitude – For this experience and the chance to be led by the Spirit throughout the whole experience.
????????? - I am not sure what word/emotion this is. As I write this I realize I would have been 15 weeks pregnant if I hadn’t lost the baby. I would be feeling movements and would be feeling that goodness a second trimester holds. I guess bittersweet. I am sad to not be experiencing that. I LOVE being pregnant and feeling the baby grow and moving and getting big and then HUGE. I love all of that. Knowing we are done means I will never experience that again. That is a loss in and of itself.
T3 sometimes mentions how sad he is that our baby died, that he wishes it hadn’t. I say honestly, “I wish she hadn’t too.” Because in my mind and heart that little baby would have been a girl, my Ariana Lovelace. My A in my D, C, B ___ naming pattern.
Despite that sadness I finally feel done. My heart is at peace with being and saying we are done.
My life is full of boys and all our things – acting classes, singing, performances, scouting, soccer, church, callings – life! I am OK where we are.
No more longing or wondering, just peace. Which I will gratefully take. Especially as I have friends birthing sweet little girl babies and other friends announcing their pregnancies. I can just feel joy for them.
I am not sure why I had to go on this journey.
I am not sure all that I have learned or will yet learn. But I continue to hold my heart and mind open to learn whatever it is.
I think part of why I was able to heal quickly was the love and acceptance of my feelings and experiences as I shared them. No one discounted my feelings. That helped me to heal. I have also intensified my praying,scripture study and daily meditation. This experience has helped me to grow personally.
I know that some moms struggle to find this peace, I know that I am in a unique position of being older and having many children already. My heart breaks for women who struggle to conceive or carry babies to term. I am not sure why this is part of some women’s journey to motherhood.
How blessed are we to have the Savior to turn to for peace, comfort and guidance. He is our redeemer and I sing praises to Him!